F1: Explain The Chicane:

Leeeeeewwwwiiiissss (the reference will make sense later… maybe..). So I am just waiting for Void to call me and laugh at the misfortune of the man I voted most likely to carry another man’s child in ’07. You see… he loves Fernando Alonso. He will not admit to this… but I can sense it. Last month I caught him drawing eyebrows on my Lewis Hamilton bed spread, and just this week he tried to serve me a Spanish rice dish. So I am sure I will hear of how Lewis deserved this and how Lewis sucks, and how Lewis should this and Lewis should that. But what Void doesn’t know is that I have installed a giant chicane in his driveway. The next time he slips through the corners, 5 snipers will systematically fire upon his prized plasma television. He will be forced to watch the next race on his Spanish built television, which only receives Telemundo.

Indy Car: I am Windy:

(Did you see what I did there? I took our beloved theme song, and mixed it with the Windy City. Did you catch that? If so, your attention to detail could win you cash and prizes. Stay tuned for details of our new reader appreciation contest.)

Every time I watch a good race like the one in Chicago, someone with a cranial leakage blurts out “You don’t get this on road courses”. Now I am not going to get into that whole debate, because I don’t need to. One statement says it all: “Milka led the field”. You are correct… you don’t get this on road courses.

Helio “Fuel Strategy – My #$#$” Castroneves is my hero. In a majestic show of “I’ll do it my way”, he blocked, passed, and ignored both league officials and team strategists alike. And the crazy Brazilian dancer turned race car driver somehow pulled it off. I vote for Helio to carry another’s man child in ’09.

Congrats to the Iceman, who willingly informed us during the pre-race coverage that he has been de-Iced by a woman. Wahaaha. Scott you are awesome, but dude… you used to be cool. After you finish celebrating I want you to go rent a copy of “Jackie Brown”. Watch what happens to the character “Louis“ during the movie.

Speaking of a horrible segue, our sources have confirmed that the uneasy tone in Dario’s voice during the interview was not without merit. Our sources have video of Ashley Judd waving a prenuptial agreement at him as a motivational tactic, but the video was destroyed by wolves.

The Silent Pagoda:

Last week, Roy of the “Silent Pagoda” blog on IndyCar.com invited me to what he likes to call “Extreme Blogging”. This unique approach to blogging requires the highest level of professionalism and skill. At first I was afraid to try it, but he assured me that not only has it refined his skills, but it has given him the necessary tools to sell small arms in third world countries. Somehow Roy manages to produce one of the funniest blogs I have ever read, under the worst of circumstances. And I thought the Starting Grid IT department was bad…

SG “Correct Us” Contest:

We are proud to announce a new contest for our treasured 12 (and decreasing) readers. If, at any time, you notice a stupid pun, a spelling mistake, a slanderous statement, or an outright lie, notify us via blogs-at-startinggridnews.com. Each submission will gain you one “Patronization Point”. The more submissions you send, the more “Patronizing” you will receive. We are constantly working with our partners to provide new and unique prize opportunities. Participants will benefit from daily (even hourly) email offers. But remember, these email offers are only available for readers in your “PP” championship bracket, so please refrain from forwarding them to anyone in the FCC.

This week’s grand prize winner is Gordon Kazlowski from Toll Booth, Illinois. He gained 575 “PP” points, and is awaiting his $10,000 transfer from the Nigerian Federal Treasury. Congratulations Gordon, don’t forget about the dinner at “Ponderosa” you promised us (or “Bonanza” as it is called in regions without the intellect required to make a connection to the television program).

Disclaimer: All contestants are eligible to receive “PP” points, but prizes and investment opportunities are awarded at the sole discretion of our affiliates and the bulk email specialists they employ. (In case you’re a Nascar fan, this isn’t a real contest, you silly hilbilly.)

As you may have noticed, Indy-fever has afflicted my fellow blogger, Mark. Bigtime.

It’s not even May Day (which, as a socialist, I am duty bound to celebrate – so don’t expect any posts from me tomorrow) and he is already hyping the bajeezus out of that little Memorial Day get together at the brickyard. Somehow, in his euphoria, he even dragged my name into the proceedings. So what if I think Tony George was the second shooter on the grassy knoll? I have my reasons.

You see, it’s not that I lack interest in the 500. Quite the opposite, I am looking forward to a much improved race this year. I just don’t see why it’s such a big deal. Let’s be honest, Indy has lost most of its luster over the last decade. Far more people will watch the NASCAB 600 that same weekend (’cause, ya know, they can go 100 extra miles so it must be better). Even with the added interest of a single open wheel series, the race is a pale shadow of its former glory.

And I hate to pee in anybody’s Cheerios, but it should be pointed out that the Indianapolis 500 is not, nor has it ever been, the ‘Greatest Spectacle in Racing’. That honor belongs to a race not quite as old but with an even richer history: The 24 Hours of Le Mans. A distance of 500, even 600 miles just seems so trivial next to a race that spans an entire revolution of our planet. And while the Indy fans like to brag about 220 mph top speeds, Le Mans enthusiasts know the Mulsanne Straight has seen speeds in excess of 250 mph. Not that speed is everything, of course. :~D

Anyway, the Le Mans hype can wait another month. For the time being sports car racing fans visiting The Starting Grid will have to endure endless posts about the greatest spectacle in American open wheel racing. But our time shall come, my comrades of the covered wheel, our time shall come!

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming…

And so here we are, next up.. May. And what a month it will be. Especially for me.

This year I will be attending the 500 for the first time.. live and in person. You see.. I am too cheap to buy a big screen high definition television. So I had one of two options:

1) Go over to Void’s house to watch it in high def while he explains his many conspiracy theories about TG

OR

2) Actually attend the race, and witness “The Greatest Spectacle in Racing” for myself.

So I decided to go. My wife and I will be heading down there a few days before the race just to catch the sights and sounds. I am still trying to figure out what we will be doing there, but thanks to the folks at trackforum I have plenty of ideas. I hope to take a ton of pictures and post as much on the blog as possible.

So, here we go. Lots of stuff coming up this month.

Stay tuned!

Ok, even I can’t possibly believe that Eddie Gossage’s offer to JR is going to work out. And I have run with some pretty crazy ideas in the past. But it presents an interesting thought. Could this be the beginning of many more track sponsored driver proposals? Why wouldn’t a track owner push for this type of publicity?

If TG continues to grow the Vision racing team, there is potentially a seat for “guest” drivers. I don’t believe that TG can run a profitable team in the traditional sense. They are starting to become competitive on the ovals, but thats about it. I doubt they will ever be competitive on the bendy courses. But the team could continue to serve its original purpose of supporting the series if they were able to provide rides for popular drivers. (Ahem.. PT) In order for any self respecting driver to consider this a car capable of running in the lead pack would be required. And if Vision can continue to progress on the ovals, they could be the answer.

Part of me likes the idea.. part of me doesn’t. It does have kind of a cheesy feeling to it. But I think if they could get some credible drivers in there, it could be really interesting. As long as they are competitive. And offering 100K to NASCAB’s top driver isn’t going to cut it. Either get some real money together, or shoot for someone who doesn’t burn cash in his fireplace.

Let the qualifications begin. It sounds like the weather will be nice today, hopefully a drastic change from the last week. Predictions are running wild and the rumor mill is churning.

The latest rumor is regarding none other than Paul Tracy. Not surprising since his name seems to come up on every instance of Ask The Expert these days. So rumor has it that if Penske can successfully qualify both drivers this weekend, he will make his spare car available to Walker Racing. Should this happen, PT could have a second weekend shot at qualifying. And with a Penske prepared car I think he would have a reasonable shot at a top 10 finish. But alas.. one must remind oneself that it is only a rumor.

In other cool news, I received my Indy 500 guest guide in the mail the other day. It also included a letter from Joie Chitwood. He said that he looks forward to having me there. And he even called me by name. That’s just how cool I am.

So here we go. I wish I could watch the coverage all day today, but I have to miss some of it. Luckily… I have a DVR.