Open Wheel Stuff 10-08-2008

F1: Explain The Chicane:

Leeeeeewwwwiiiissss (the reference will make sense later… maybe..). So I am just waiting for Void to call me and laugh at the misfortune of the man I voted most likely to carry another man’s child in ’07. You see… he loves Fernando Alonso. He will not admit to this… but I can sense it. Last month I caught him drawing eyebrows on my Lewis Hamilton bed spread, and just this week he tried to serve me a Spanish rice dish. So I am sure I will hear of how Lewis deserved this and how Lewis sucks, and how Lewis should this and Lewis should that. But what Void doesn’t know is that I have installed a giant chicane in his driveway. The next time he slips through the corners, 5 snipers will systematically fire upon his prized plasma television. He will be forced to watch the next race on his Spanish built television, which only receives Telemundo.

Indy Car: I am Windy:

(Did you see what I did there? I took our beloved theme song, and mixed it with the Windy City. Did you catch that? If so, your attention to detail could win you cash and prizes. Stay tuned for details of our new reader appreciation contest.)

Every time I watch a good race like the one in Chicago, someone with a cranial leakage blurts out “You don’t get this on road courses”. Now I am not going to get into that whole debate, because I don’t need to. One statement says it all: “Milka led the field”. You are correct… you don’t get this on road courses.

Helio “Fuel Strategy – My #$#$” Castroneves is my hero. In a majestic show of “I’ll do it my way”, he blocked, passed, and ignored both league officials and team strategists alike. And the crazy Brazilian dancer turned race car driver somehow pulled it off. I vote for Helio to carry another’s man child in ’09.

Congrats to the Iceman, who willingly informed us during the pre-race coverage that he has been de-Iced by a woman. Wahaaha. Scott you are awesome, but dude… you used to be cool. After you finish celebrating I want you to go rent a copy of “Jackie Brown”. Watch what happens to the character “Louis during the movie.

Speaking of a horrible segue, our sources have confirmed that the uneasy tone in Dario’s voice during the interview was not without merit. Our sources have video of Ashley Judd waving a prenuptial agreement at him as a motivational tactic, but the video was destroyed by wolves.

The Silent Pagoda:

Last week, Roy of the “Silent Pagoda” blog on invited me to what he likes to call “Extreme Blogging”. This unique approach to blogging requires the highest level of professionalism and skill. At first I was afraid to try it, but he assured me that not only has it refined his skills, but it has given him the necessary tools to sell small arms in third world countries. Somehow Roy manages to produce one of the funniest blogs I have ever read, under the worst of circumstances. And I thought the Starting Grid IT department was bad…

SG “Correct Us” Contest:

We are proud to announce a new contest for our treasured 12 (and decreasing) readers. If, at any time, you notice a stupid pun, a spelling mistake, a slanderous statement, or an outright lie, notify us via Each submission will gain you one “Patronization Point”. The more submissions you send, the more “Patronizing” you will receive. We are constantly working with our partners to provide new and unique prize opportunities. Participants will benefit from daily (even hourly) email offers. But remember, these email offers are only available for readers in your “PP” championship bracket, so please refrain from forwarding them to anyone in the FCC.

This week’s grand prize winner is Gordon Kazlowski from Toll Booth, Illinois. He gained 575 “PP” points, and is awaiting his $10,000 transfer from the Nigerian Federal Treasury. Congratulations Gordon, don’t forget about the dinner at “Ponderosa” you promised us (or “Bonanza” as it is called in regions without the intellect required to make a connection to the television program).

Disclaimer: All contestants are eligible to receive “PP” points, but prizes and investment opportunities are awarded at the sole discretion of our affiliates and the bulk email specialists they employ. (In case you’re a Nascar fan, this isn’t a real contest, you silly hilbilly.)